if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
