you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
