you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
