new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
