Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
