I got chris browned last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
