Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
