how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish I only lived at night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
