i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
