you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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