im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
