True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
