There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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