swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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