At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
