Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
