He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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