why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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