Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
