I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
