My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
