Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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