I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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