That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
