suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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