theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
