thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
