To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
