Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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