someone get that fucking seahorse.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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