Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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