Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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