DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
