At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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