Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
