You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is Oprah even human
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
