I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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