He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
