i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
