i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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