I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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