mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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