he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
