I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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