Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
