last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
