Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
