: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
