i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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