On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
