I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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